Things I Learned on Vacation

1. When driving through Chigago during rush hour on a Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend, the five miles you drive on the toll road at 5 MPH really will take an hour.

2. Giving a child a bottle of water at one rest stop guarantees you'll have to stop at the next one so he can pee. Then another child, who went pee at the previous rest stop, will now be thirsty. And the cycle goes unbroken through five states.

3. A two and a half year old may at any time figure out that saying "poop" outloud in public places is funny. And it is the first few times. By the end of a four day road trip, though, it's not.

4. Running barefoot along a sandy beach is not as easy as it looks in Chariots of Fire.

5. If your kids have been begging you for a dog, take them to a family member's house where they can help take care of one. After a few days of reality, they probably won't want one.

6. The McDonald's in Malcom, Iowa, gives out big bags of wet wipes and cookies to families with kids, for FREE. It's only when you get back in the car that you'll realize the cookies expired last week. They were yummy all the same.

7. If you wear a t-shirt that says "Property of NASA" into a K-Mart in rural Indiana, the cashier will naturally ask you if you're an astronaut, and be serious about it. The dilema, then, is whether or not to tell her "no, I bought it at the thrift store" (which I did), or "Yes. I just landed in the parking lot because we ran out of generic vanilla wafers and oatmeal cream pies on the International Space Station. Sorry I can't chat longer, but I left the shuttle idling."